Ask Ciiku: Why do I knowingly fall for the wrong people?

I feel like I keep knowingly falling for the wrong people. Mostly outright douches who start out wonderful and turn on me then in hindsight I’m like ooh red flag,, red flag, another red flag, and recently a wonderfully wholesome but unavailable person. And I knowingly walk into this situations, no prodding needed. What is wrong with me?

Missy

Dear Missy,

Bad people are bad people. Your letter sounds like the myth that women can’t help falling for bad boys. But before I get into that, let me tell you about unlearning. When I started reading and questioning myself about why I think what I do, I read somewhere that sometimes women believe that they can change men. That if they are good to them, they will realise what they are missing and change. Is that what you hoped would happen? That these men would see the goodness in you? That’s not how it works.

Asking me what is wrong with you is a loaded question Missy, one which I cannot answer. Only you can.

Do you think there is something wrong with you? That you willingly and knowingly go into this relationship? Why do you ignore red flags? Why would someone who is unavailable seem wonderful first before being unavailable?

I want you to be kinder to yourself Missy. To believe that you deserve love from a good person. I want you to figure out what you want in someone you want to date. I want you to understand what you don’t want in someone you date. And on top of that I want you, before you get into a relationship, ask yourself: is this a good guy? Is he available? Are there any red flags I am ignoring? There is no foolproof way around this because someone people fool us into believing that they are good and then change later. But most times, we can see signs. Listen to them. See them. And above all else, love yourself.

All the best,

Ciiku

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