I have held out for so long and told myself that it was wrong to share with the world what is happening. I’m hurtling towards my mid-thirties and as I do everything seems to falling all around me. I lost my job 2 years ago at a bank and was lucky enough to have some consultancy jobs for a year but nothing has been right ever since. I have tried out a biashara but that too tanked and took everything I had. My partner has been supportive but I can see her frustration or my lack of input in building this relationship. I’m an only child and my dad died mid last year and I can’t afford to go to my mum, she has so much to deal with as it is. I was the daughter who had everything figured out. I don’t know if I’ll make it to April, in all honesty, I don’t want to. I took sleeping pills last week but my partner was able to help me vomit it all out and now the tension in the house is unbearable. I am not sure you have the answers but I know you listen and I just need to know what the fuck happens next. I lost my friends and now I just sit drinking whatever I can find in the house. I’m losing it. Please, please help.
On the brink
Dear on the brink,
I have sat with your question in my heart since I read it, thinking about a right answer or a right way to help and actually be of help.
I am so sorry. I am sorry about the loss of your father, loss of your job and for the feelings you are carrying around, of feeling like a failure, of feeling worthless, of feeling like ending your life is the only way out.
I want you to know that I have listened to you through reading your letter and offer to continue to listen if you need someone to do so.
I want to suggest firstly that you have a completely honest and transparent conversation with your partner and with your mother. More so to ease the tension you have with your partner because I feel like there is a lot of gaps that is likely being filled with assumptions. Talk to your mum and tell her what you’ve told me, that you feel like she is going through a lot but then mention that you need her to listen to you. At some point during these conversations, ask for help. Sometimes as we are knee deep in self loathing we miss looking around to see all the people willing to come to our aid, if only we asked. Look up my dear, look around and you will find people who love you, who want to help you.
I also would suggest you speak to someone about the suicidal attempt and thoughts. And also about drinking.
I don’t want to give empty platitudes about how you will get a job or that something will happen in that aspect. But I am holding out on hope that something will work out.