Ask Ciiku: I am being manipulated

Dear Ciiku,

I like a girl. She has a boyfriend. Has had one for 6 years. I know I shouldn’t be fucking with her, but here I am, nonetheless. We go on dates, we’ve had sex on 3 separate occasions, and we talk pretty much all the time, telling me things she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell her boyfriend or any of her close friends. But it doesn’t look like she’ll ever leave her boyfriend, and I feel like I’m in love all by myself. I need to walk away but I don’t know how to without being rude about it, because every time I suggest time apart, she says no, and that she enjoys our conversations and the time we spend together. I’m pretty certain that this is high level manipulation, and I don’t know why I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt in believing that she would hate to lose me as a confidante.

Please advise me on the best way forward, specifically, how to go about cutting ties with her.

Matt

Dear Matt

So basically she wants to have her cake and eat it?

I am glad that you know you need to walk away so that I do not have to tell you. Is it high level manipulation? Likely. She knows you want to be with her, are in love with her and uses this to get what she wants from you. You see that, don’t you Matt?

Why indeed do you think you are giving her the benefit of the doubt? Is there a part of you that hopes she will see different and choose you instead? I am not going to give you false hope Matt. I am going to tell you that cutting ties with her will not be neat and clean. You have tried to talk to her about it but it didn’t work. And you stayed. It does show in your letter that you care for her. But you know, you deserve the kind of relationship where someone listens to you, cares for you and above all your time, attention and emotions are reciprocated.

I feel you need to be as honest to her as you have been to me. Tell her via text that you are choosing yourself. And that in choosing yourself, you can no longer be her confidante and that you need to not be her friend. That you feel like you deserve better. And that you are going to find better. After that, I suggest you block her in all platforms. Sounds drastic perhaps but it really isn’t. You have to keep reminding yourself that you matter and that you are making this choice because you need to choose yourself. So do that Matt. I wish you the best.

Rooting for you,

Ciiku

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