Ask Ciiku: Am I overreacting?

Dear Ciiku,

Hey. I’m in a relationship with someone who claims to love me wholeheartedly but will still do things that I’ve repeatedly told them I’m uncomfortable with e.g he’s best friends with a lady friend that they used to stay all night on phone with but he’d delete their interactions. I caught him flirting with her on text a few times but he now claims he’s stopped and it’s just a platonic relationship 🙄. I feel like he loves me but can you really claim to love someone if you are still so selfish? Or am I overreacting and should I just accept their friendship?

B

Dear B

You know what I like about your letter. That you said “he claims to love me wholeheartedly“. You use the word claim. That means while yes he says you, you are not sure you believe it, you aren’t sure because his actions do not match his words. Am I correct in my deduction?

I have to ask: Is there anything he can do at this moment to make you believe fully and without a doubt that he loves you and that you can trust him and that nothing is happening with anyone else? Is the issue with the best friend the only issue the two of you have? What concerns you more: that there is a female best friend that he flirts with, the deletion of the texts, or many other things not mentioned in this letter? I mean, it is quite suspicious that he deletes them and that you know he deletes them (I assume you go through his phone) which means you already don’t trust him anyway (also using the word “caught” speaks volumes B).

My opinion? Let this relationship go.

Love is many things, and more so, it is more than what positive feeling you have for someone. Being loved is easy. Being loved the way you want to be loved? That’s when work needs to be done.

Why do you feel like he loves you? Is he because he says so? Or is it his actions that show that he does? Do you love him?

Sometimes, because we are with someone, the feeling of being chosen or the fact of being in a relationship is termed or labeled as love. That being in a dysfunctional relationship is better than being single – that somehow the fact that we are with someone means there is love. But that is not what love is. I think we assign things to love that shouldn’t be considered love. And even more than that, we tend to ignore people’s actions and focus on their words, which seems to be the case here B. For example, what compels you to check his phone? Is it because you don’t trust him?

If someone declares that they love you, wouldn’t their action indicate that they would do things that wouldn’t jeopardise the relationship or make the person they are in a relationship uncomfortable?Trust must accompany love, being able to trust someone you are in a relationship with is seminal to peace of mind.

I think you need to look long and hard at what you believe love to be, what you would want from an ideal relationship and what you are getting from this person. And remember, above all, love should be fair – to you and for them.

You deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved B. You deserve to love someone worthy of your love. And the truth is, from how you describe it, as little as you do, doesn’t seem to be it.

Ciiku

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