Ask Ciiku: My friend doesn’t accept me

Dear Ciiku,

My oldest friend will not accept who I have become. We met about nine years ago and I was pretty conservative then. I got into the church and tried out Christianity for a few years. It didn’t work out for me. I started reading on feminism and embracing it. For about four years now, I got comfortable with that. I started experimenting sexually too but I made sure I was practicing safe sex. The issue started when I was sleeping with more than one guy. When I had sex with him, he raised no concerns. We were not dating though and there was no intention to. This was made clear. When he realized that there were other guys he started complaining that I changed too much and he didn’t realize I had ‘gone this deep in this feminism thing’. I wonder whether I should just let this friendship go or try and make him understand.


Dear Stranger,

You should let the friendship go. And you know you should. Why do I say that? Because you say yourself that this person doesn’t accept you. And I have to ask, what is a friendship if one person in it doesn’t accept the other person?

If you have read some of my responses before, you know that I do not believe that longevity should be a reason to hold on to a friendship that no longer serves your purpose. So while you say that he is your oldest friend, what is it you are holding to? The time you have spent together? I’m sure you are aware of the many concessions women make to accept people who would never accept us. And so I ask you to think about what kind of friend you deserve and let me assure you, that person is out there. Be friends with people who are kind and understanding. You deserve it stranger.

Because the thing is, people change and those who care about us take the time and make the effort to get to continually know us as we change. And growth is good, personal development is good – friends ideally should encourage this. That someone who has known you for so long isn’t seeing you as you are now, as you continue to be is actually quite sad. But the truth is that it happens. Do not second guess yourself stranger….. your letter showed clearly that you know what you need to do.

All the best,



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