I told my friend the other day that 12 year old Ciiku would be very disappointed in the me I am now. It was an offhand statement as I told her how I was generally feeling. She told me I was being too hard on myself. I agree.
I’ve been thinking about those words.
Generally speaking, before experiencing the world as it works, capitalism and all, there is a feeling of hope – that whatever it is you want, it is within reach. I grew up shielded from how the world works and when I found out, learnt, it had taken a lot out of me.
This post was meant to be about the positive reinforcements I’m undertaking after the mind funk post but it has taken another tangent. I don’t mind it.
There are days when I envy people who live oblivious to how the world works. Those who keep their head down and live the script. I will go to school, I will get a job – any job, I will wake up every morning and go to said job, I will get married, I will have children, I go to church every Sunday. That script. I am not judging these choices to be clear, I am speaking about me and about my mind which questions all this and I have accepted that I cannot do that script.
That being said, I understand religion now more than I did when I went to church. I get the purpose it serves. It is truly something to have this thing that gives you hope, that gives you something to use to make sense of what is happening to you and also around you. Religion. Man.
I am still thinking and I surely don’t have any answers yet but moving on along must be done and that is what I am doing.