I hate crying because I tear easily. I’m convinced something is wrong with my tear ducts because it makes no sense how the littlest and most nonsensical things make me tear up.
And as a result, whenever it was I could control the flow of my tears I did. But most times it doesn’t work. I googled how to control it, biting the inside your mouth, pinching between your thumb and second finger, hitting yourself to forget the crying….. None of them have worked for me. And this is when I am exhibiting tears over what is something that people wouldn’t otherwise be tearing over.
And because of this, when I need to actually cry, I try to stop myself, or at least I did. As if it was some show of strength that I had. Stopping yourself from crying isn’t easy to begin with and mine also has side effects including an aching jaw and a splitting headache; due to clenching, i think.
I’ve also come to learn than bottling up all that anger and frustration will lead to one gigantic cry fest. Not a pretty sight.
Lately, I’ve been crying. Most times I am alone. Wailing, sobbing… You name it. The slow tear dropping down my face…. has become quite therapeutic to me, better than talking to people sometimes if I’m being honest.
I care less about the crying is weakness brigade because I see no value in pretending to fit a mould that doesn’t serve me.
And you know what? Life is hard and painful and challenging and it takes a toll.