Ask Ciiku: Will I Ever Get Over This?

Hi Ciiku,

I broke up with my boyfriend a little over a year ago and even dated someone else a few months later. Here is my issue, the reasons we broke up was that I didn’t know of his other family until his wife confronted me. He told me they were done but alas, I was being towed along. Our lives are linked in many ways (we share an office) and try as I may, I keep thinking of him. It has taken a lot to accept this since I ignore him and genuinely hate him. But the hurt lingers, it hurts so damn much. How do I heal?

T

Hi T,

I am really sorry about the experience you went through. We deserve honesty and respect which obviously you did not receive from this person. It’s terrible that you still have to encounter this man almost daily. Even worse that you feel this hurt.

Part of the hurt probably comes from being too hard on yourself. You likely feel that you should have known better or that you should have seen some warning. Please remember that you aren’t to blame here, because if this person was an honest person, then you wouldn’t have found yourself in this position. You chose to trust his word and he betrayed you. This isn’t an exaggeration, he betrayed your trust.

Obviously, if you could leave that office you would have by now so I assume that is not an option. Therefore I say to you, healing will take time. And effort beyond the hate you feel for him. I mean that you need to put specific effort into healing and moving forward. This might mean that you speak to someone about what you are feeling so that they may guide you. This also means that you need to sit with yourself and examine these thoughts and feelings that you have. Sometimes, and I’m not saying this is your case, we hold on to anger because we feel that it is expected of us. We might not be angry because we don’t allow people to occupy certain spaces in our existence but because this thing happened to us and anyone else in the situation would be angry, we hold on to that anger. But if we examine ourselves deeply, we realise that we have come to the place of acceptance and that we understand what happened and are peace. This might not be your case but I feel it is important to examine all angles and ask the right questions: why am I angry? am I angry at myself? who benefits from the hurt? What do I need?

And more than anything, you need to forgive yourself. I think that is paramount to moving forward.

Hope you find healing.

Ciiku

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