I spend an inordinate amount of time analysing my relationships with the people in my life. From family, husband, friends…… All of them.
This post is about my relationships with my friends. And the future of these friendships.
The other day, I wondered if my friends would ever throw me a party. I don’t even know why I was thinking about it because I don’t want one. If I did want a party, I’d throw myself one. Done it before, will do it again. But that’s neither here nor there.
This post is also nothing about being intentional and whatnot, I think that’s been said so many times that at this point, I feel if you aren’t being intentional about things, then you don’t want to be.
Wandia asked this on IG stories and I have realised (although I have always known but I also want to say I realised) that I am not the “I need to call my friend and talk about this thing that is happening” and therefore most often that not, I don’t allow my friends, especially the ones for whom I would ideally be calling in such instances, to be there for me. I also don’t really talk about things with some who really care, even though I should. I feel terrible about it and I am working on it but yo! this is hard. I really prefer to tell those who wouldn’t be there for me in the “hold my hand, you can cry around me” kind of way. I’ll drift to those who will be swift to offer suggestions and Mr. Fix-Its.
This mostly came to light this year as I mostly kept the “how do you feel about this” things to myself. I’m quite the joker in hindsight given how I preach friendship. And yet.
I’m researching on a post I want to write about vulnerability (because I have thoughts on the concept, I find it fascinating) and that’s why I am up at 1.23 am writing this.
Anyway, kind of related but not really, one of the stupidest mantras people adopt in my opinion is “no new friends” and I get it but also nah. I honestly would like to think I’m more open now to the possibility of new connection with people who deserve (of course there is a disclaimer). I am also becoming more comfortable with friendships ending.
Lastly, to going where you are wanted. Ashe.
Thank you friends.
Ciiku 
We are alike in the sense that I rarely talk about the weighty matters with those closest to me. But we are different in the sense that I RUN away from people who offer solutions. It just shuts me up. Makes me retreat right back into my cocoon.
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