Ask Ciiku: Should I Dump Him?

Hey Ciiku.

I’ve been in an LDR relationship for a little over two years now. We stay quite far away from each other and see each other maybe three times a year. I still stay at home and have a flexible schedule so I’m the one who travels to see him. When I do, I tend to stay with him for a month or more. Thing is, he has absolute control on when we see each other, ie, when I go over to visit. Last month he came over and only stayed a night, turning down my request to stay another night, despite the fact that he was on leave. He asked when I would go over, and I asked when he’d like me to, since I hate to feel like I’m imposing. He told me to go early this month. He however hadn’t said anything about it so the other day I asked him when we’d see each other, and he said he’d let me know. I felt let down because I was anticipating seeing him soon and hated the response he gave me when I asked him why he couldn’t give me a definite answer. I’m aware that he’s working on getting something and usually when he has something going on he’ll keep me waiting until he’s “ready”. He claimed that he wanted “it” to be a surprise. My problem is, I feel like I have no say in when I get to see him and that’s really bothering me. I’m contemplating ending the relationship but I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable or if he’s just selfish as I think he is.

AC

Dear AC,

Thank you for your letter.

I have a couple of questions for you, the first being: Do you enjoy being in this relationship? Why are you in the relationship? Have you communicated your thoughts to your partner? What about your reaction makes you feel like you are being unreasonable? Why does visiting someone you are in a relationship seem like an imposition to you? What do you feel like you deserve? Have you communicated these wishes clearly to your partner? Are your priorities regarding this relationship the same?

Relationships, long distance or otherwise thrive in open and honest communication. And therefore the first thing I would say that whatever it is that is bothering you, you need to be able to openly and honestly speak with your partner about it. This includes stating expectations and whatnot. It also includes saying “what you said hurt me” “can we make plans on when we see each other” “when can you visit” and being open to the discussion that follows.

Seeing each other is an important part of a long distance relationship and you saying that you feel like you are “imposing” or that you only do it when he is “ready” are causes for concern. I understand why you think that the meetings are happening when it is convenient for him, they should also be convenient for you. You deserve. What you want matters. Aside from that though, have you mentioned this to him? If so, what is the feeling you are getting from it? Are you a priority? Is the relationship a priority? Are you seeing the same thing? Finding mutual ground, I believe is an important tenet in any relationship and if none can be found, then the relationship needs to end.

Bend but don’t break.

Ciiku

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