I think I might have bottled up issues that usually come up in my relationships especially the current one. Things can be good then all of a sudden my insecurities and anxiety flare up. I have been assaulted thrice by 3 guys I trusted. Sharing this with anyone is difficult as people I have share this with don’t take it as a big issue. So much so that I tend to lie a lot in the relationship as a defense mechanism. I feel like I have demonised my partner so much so that I worry I may be the toxic one. I nit pick every word, phrase, facial expression just to figure out if I have done wrong in any way. I’m also afraid of being in an emotionally abusive relationship so I keep questioning if I am in one. Conflicts or having difficult discussions with him or just anyone else for that matter scare me coz I keep questioning if this is a normal part of a relationship or I am being manipulated/gaslighted. I feel safe in my perfect world, anything that changes it even a tiny bit throws me off guard. All this thoughts have left me drained emotionally. I feel like I’m a walking shell, with no soul. I feel empty. Today I started thinking how it would feel if I slept and never woke up for a week…this thought scared me. Would you suggest therapy? Please recommend a practice/ therapy that could help me. One that is not based on christianity coz I’ve tried praying, its not working.
I am very sorry that people you trusted assaulted you. For what you went through and continue to go through, I do believe that you need a therapist. I support your stance and would suggest you look at this page where I have listed some resources. As I have said before, looking/finding for a therapist is like conducting an interview, you would have to find one who is suitably fit for you. In short, yes, I definitely think that you need to find a therapist. It may not be easy but take heart. I do not personally know any therapist but if I do, I will update it on the page listed above.
I must say, in feeling empty, you cannot pour anything into a relationship. Any and all relationships thrive on a myriad factors of which I am sure you know. And of most important is to return to yourself, be good for yourself, understand yourself. Such that when you are in a relationship, you are not doubting every second and every word. From your letter, I can tell that you know yourself enough to know that perhaps being in a relationship might not be the thing you need right now. That working on your healing is the priority now.
May you find your way back to you.