Clothes

I have started trying to wear clothes that I haven’t worn in a while with the intent of reducing my wardrobe. Removing clothes I do not wear from my wardrobe is a fairly regular occurrence but for some reason I feel like I have too many.

So now I am actually wearing them, taking a picture and deciding if I like it enough to keep it with the question “Do I like this or does it just fit?” in mind.

This includes my shoes of which I have many.

I am at the beginning of this process and I hope I keep it up. If you are reading this, please remind me in January.

Grief

How are you doing?

And how are you grieving?

There is so much loss around us and I do not know how to process it all.

We are forced to postpone things for a future that remains uncertain and to be honest, sometimes I feel like I might explode.

Even beyond the pandemic, there is so much happening – in the country, in our homes, work places, IN OUR LIVES.

And even when grief is one aspect of life that we have been able to do as a community – and now that is even hard. Social distancing and staying safe – you know?

It is all just so sad.

The Lie of Romance

If there is one thing I completely agree with Alain de Botton about is that Romanticism needs to ummmm end.

But before I even go into that, let me say that we mostly like love the feeling and not love the reality of it all. We like the butterflies in the stomach nonsense. What Hollywood (and the philosophy of romanticism) has made us believe love should be.

Anyway

I was watching a True Crime documentary where the girlfriend of a convicted sex offender calls that man “romantic” because he wrote her letters. A SEXUAL DEVIANT. As if the fact that he is romantic should somehow mean something. He killed people Kayleigh, we don’t care what he wrote to you while in JAIL.

Romanticism is why we think in these romantic relationships, one has made amends because they brought flowers and chocolate instead of watching someone’s behaviour. It is why we think responding to texts is a bigger deal than it really should be. It is why we believe someone sharing inane details about their daily lives means they are emotionally open. It is why we put credence to ridiculous things like diamond rings and weddings. And most often than not, heterosexual relationships are better books than in real life, and that’s because women write romance books.

PS: I don’t care about your token good relationship, calm down.

Even astrology apps when talking about relationships focus on romantic over others which COME FUCKING ON!

And that is just part of the lie, isn’t it?

That focus on firstly, romantic relationships and secondly things that further capitalism (buying things to show affection for example).

I keep saying that I do not say all this to minimise the significance of romantic and/or sexual relationships but I do think we must think of the messaging out there a bit differently. I also want to be clear that companionship and marriage are not synonymous despite people wanting to act like it is.

And so let’s talk marriage because most often, the expectation is that a romantic relationship will lead to marriage. We must continue to ask ourselves why we are taught to look forward to marriage, to desire it even and also to want happiness and yet the two are at constant odds (especially women). And also, let’s not forgot the fact that a marriage is a government institution -which we don’t talk about enough.

And you know, despite years of seeing that this institution done one way doesn’t work but somehow we think we are the feneratjon that’s gonna do it better. And then we find ourselves in that cycle of deep hatred, discontent and anguish. A whole reimagination is needed.

I think beyond self awareness we have to accept how society and expectations thereof are ingrained in us. There are things we do thinking they are being done in self awareness but really, we are just doing what’s expected of us.

Are we valid, worthy if we aren’t “chosen“?

Is it what you desire or is it social conditioning?

Is it who you are or are you performing a role?

Buildings =\= Progress

There is something I see often in content online and more so recently prevalent on Kenyan TikTok.

It is where someone posts these new buildings and restaurants and like Thika Road or a bypass and captions it “Welcome to Kenya”

The point, and I get it, is to show development and building and roads are often seen as progress for a country and in a way especially for roads, it has positive effects for value chains. I get it.

But I’d like to kill this trend post haste.

I don’t know who told us all that building things is a sign of development. Especially when done by loans provided by colonisers. And then the government misuses funds at the rate they do. It doesn’t make sense y’all.

In a country where (good) health, education, water and even food comes at a prohibitively high cost it is ludicrous to look at buildings and think “this country is doing fine”

It is not.

And I think we have to agree that the sign of a country doing well is when the majority (if not all) of the population is able to meet their basic needs. And when I speak of health I am absolutely including mental health because Kenya can kill you with stress.

And that’s facts.

This Conversation Amuses Me

We are all on social media and the conversations are cyclical but no conversation is as boring, unimaginative and uninspired as hetero relationship talk.

At this point it has become amusing to me.

Why you ask?

Because at the foundation of it all is the fact that somehow, someway, these men somehow believe that just by being around they have added value to women’s lives. Just by being in the area.

And then spend time telling you how wrong you are to divest from relationships with them. Like honestly.

At this point I think you must IMAGINE better things for yourself. Especially as capitalism continues to suck everything out of our soul.

And in the absence of imagining better, just maintain silence. πŸ˜ŒπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

PS: Before y’all tell me things, disclaimers:

  1. Loneliness and wanting to be partnered with men (I mean, I am) is a valid thing but at this point just go in with realistic expectations. Hollywood and romanticism has got some of you holding onto some romantic notions that make no sense.
  2. Longevity doesn’t mean shit especially when not backed by other things like contentment and joy and all that stuff.
  3. I am not the one.
  4. There is nothing like a feminist marriage.

Things I Want

There are books I want to buy.

I want to buy wax melts and/or essential oils for my warmer because I am enjoying the smell.

I want chenin blanc wine. And I will miss ShopRite because the wine selection was excellent.

I want to be able, for one week, to be at the beach.

I want to be at the beach or near the beach reading the books I want to buy, drinking the wine I love.

If you want to support my cause, buy me coffee or send M-PESA.

Thanks in advance.

πŸ™‚

Words That Changed My Life

We spend a lot of time online and we come across something that has been written that makes us pause. These are only SOME of the ones I think about often.

This Tweet

And because I was so guilty of this thing, now I check in with myself before I reach out… “Are you bored Ciiku?”

platonic intimacy – Lora Mathis

Your body is the least interesting thing about you.

source: pinterest

(Interchange”body” with “weight”)

I do not know who said this first but yo! it made so much difference in my life.

This tweet

This tweet

β€œTheory is easy, living is hard.” – Kimberly N Foster

This tweet

This made me go into a deep dive into projection and performance.

My Feelings on – “My Love: Six Stories of True Love”

I watched My Love: Six Stories of True Love on Netflix and some things stood out for me.

Not sure there are any spoilers in this.

I am often telling people that Hollywood and books romanticise long term romantic relationships and the best thing about this documentary is that it shows the mundanity of every day life. It depicted it quite well because what we get to see is what these couples on a typical day, which to be honest, is boring but more important than anything is the reality of it. Because you wake up, do what needs to be done and then sleep. Hollywood makes it seem as if these relationships are filled with adventure and excitement but the reality is that majority of the time, it is just mundane things.

There is something to be said or noted about the ages of the women in the heterosexual relationships getting coupled in their late teen years while the men are in their twenties. I mean even the queer relationship had that age difference.

I think a time needs to come where we let go of the narrative that a long lasting relationship is synonymous with a good relationship. True love can exist in relationships that end.

Capitalism is the devil and Poverty is violence. Honestly at the ages of these couples, it was truly something to see them have to do physically demanding work and I was like “it never ends, does it?”

Growing old is a scam

We need to discuss the importance of friendship as people grow older.

It is something I thought about while watching especially the couple in Japan – Coupledom means that sometimes when you want to be alone, you might not be able to because you live with someone and there are other things that must be done within the relationship which supersede the desire to be alone.

Care is so important. Like duty of care.

Finally, An Explanation

Over the weekend, I watched this Lindsey Ellis video

And finally I can explain my relationship to Twitter – if you follow on Insta I spoke about going back recently

(isn’t it dope when someone explains what you are feeling better than you ever will?)

Also, I know that video is hella long and I do not expect y’all to watch it unless you enjoy her – which I do.

And before I continue, please know that I understand that Twitter can do good, illuminating conversations can be had there, jokes and memes and provides specific things for people etc xyz.

This post is about why I, who has been there, done that, WOULD RATHER EAT SAND than do that ever.

1. The part she talks about the person people are angry at each day. Honestly, I think people believe an angry pile on on one person a day is like a personality trait or makes them interesting.

2. No space for nuance

3. Bad faith arguments are rife on twitter especially by those who use personal anecdotes to justify saying nonsensical things.

4. You know that anger you release in a “gotcha” moment? And then you get retweeted and then it is a serotonin boost. I’m not a fan.

5. That thing where people feel they are owed a personal apology for things they don’t even know about. What’s that about?

6. There is a lack of understanding about what “difference of opinion” means.

7. People acting like beacons of wokeness and their personal lives are filled with the absolute opposite. Honestly this is all social media and I get it but yeah I’m including it.

8. Performative outrage. Mob justice. I will not be explaining this.

9. The performance of it all is hilarious to me. Because it’s easy to say Insta is “fake” but come on y’all…. Twitter, same same. You can have a whole different personality on Twitter. As someone aptly said, “Some of you tweet as if you are beautiful”

10. There is a belief that because someone is an expert in one thing, then they are an expert in everything.

11. A lack of empathy.

By the way, this being said – I get most traction on this blog from Twitter and I appreciate y’all. ☺️☺️

Random Thoughts I Have Had Lately

I could listen to someone talk about something I don’t care about if I love how they speak. Two YouTubers come to mind.

Entitlement is a fascinating concept because I am so curious, aside from society telling them so, how do men embody and internalise that entitlement to the labour of women?

We can’t help or avoid performing. I think it is integral to living. At times we just have to do what we need to do.

People can’t be who you want them to be.

I’m not as I think I am. This makes sense to me but sometimes I seem to be looking at myself from an aerial viewpoint and asking myself “is that me?”

I don’t really need to be talking as much as I thought I did.

Art and mainly music has eased a lot of my anxiousness.

I deeply detest capitalism.

These words. So so true.

_________________

I had another post planned for today but my mind can’t focus. A lot is going on in my head and life but yeah. Hopefully I’ll finish it for next week.

In the meantime if you’ve read until the end, I appreciate you.