The Unbearable Lightness of Crying

I hate crying because I tear easily. I’m convinced something is wrong with my tear ducts because it makes no sense how the littlest and most nonsensical things make me tear up.

And as a result, whenever it was I could control the flow of my tears I did. But most times it doesn’t work. I googled how to control it, biting the inside your mouth, pinching between your thumb and second finger, hitting yourself to forget the crying….. None of them have worked for me. And this is when I am exhibiting tears over what is something that people wouldn’t otherwise be tearing over.

And because of this, when I need to actually cry, I try to stop myself, or at least I did. As if it was some show of strength that I had. Stopping yourself from crying isn’t easy to begin with and mine also has side effects including an aching jaw and a splitting headache; due to clenching, i think.

I’ve also come to learn than bottling up all that anger and frustration will lead to one gigantic cry fest. Not a pretty sight.

Lately, I’ve been crying. Most times I am alone. Wailing, sobbing… You name it. The slow tear dropping down my face…. has become quite therapeutic to me, better than talking to people sometimes if I’m being honest.

I care less about the crying is weakness brigade because I see no value in pretending to fit a mould that doesn’t serve me.

And you know what? Life is hard and painful and challenging and it takes a toll.

Ask Ciiku: I Work in a Toxic Office

Hi Ciiku,

Do you have any tips on dealing with office bullies, office politics and hard to please bosses?

JM

Hi JM,

Dealing with office politics, temperamental bosses and bullies is something I have experience in. It is so terrible having to deal with such people yet you spend most of your waking hours with them.I always say that you cannot escape office politics. I think it is a part of all work environments in varying degrees of toxicity. As long as you have to be around people, there will always be politics and you can’t miss a terrible person in the mix.

Some suggestions for you would be:

  • Avoid these people – When I had a snake for a boss, I kept our interactions to a minimum. We only communicated on work related matters, on email and phone whenever possible and even then, I kept it brief. I also never got involved in discussions on the going ons in the office. I know depending on the type of office environment and the job you do it may be hard to avoid but if possible, please distance yourself from the disturbances that comes with talking with some people in the office..
  • Inform Human Resources – I had a boss who would text me unnecessary texts out of office hours about work (he was a bully) and I mentioned it to HR. I was told to settle it with him and so yes, HR may not be helpful as in my case but when I quit that job and they asked me for reasons, they had the info because I had told them about it.  Document all instances of bullying such that when you bring this up, you have proof.
  • Have discussions on expectation – If it seems that your boss isn’t happy with the work output, it may be of benefit to have a meeting to discuss expectation. Mention that you would wish to know what they expect from you so you can carry out your duties effectively.
  • Look for another job – Again, I know this isn’t easy and especially with how the economy is at the moment, but it never hurts to have your feelers out there. I always say that when you wait until a certain “a-ha” moment, you are assuming your resume will still be attractive. Don’t wait.

I hope some of this is helpful to you JM. Being in a toxic work environment is quite stressful and can cause strain on anyone. I therefore hope this is something that becomes better for you.

 

Ciiku

Ask Ciiku: He isn’t a good communicator

Hello Ciiku

Thanks for setting this platform to provide advice. I have a guy friend who I like very much. We both are interested in each other but haven’t taken any steps to start a relationship. However, we don’t talk or meet up as much as I would like and the main reasons are that he is not the best communicator (he has told me so) and he has a crazy schedule. We usually don’t talk unless I reach out and this sucks. From your experience, can someone truly be super busy to the point where meeting up is a real struggle? Sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard to be in his life. I don’t know what to do about this as communication is very important to me.

Miss A

Miss A,

Thank you for your comment and for reaching out.

Now to your question, what about this friend do you like? That was my first question when I read your message. How do you know that he is interested in a relationship? I am only curious because you say he is not a good communicator. Being a good communicator is about many things: What is said, why it is said, how it is said and how often things are being said.

Based on what you say, I feel like the issue is how often you chat and I am going to assume that when it is you do talk, the man communicates clearly what he wants. One thing that I am reading from the subtext is that the man has said that he is a bad communicator with no intention of working on it. So you find yourself in a situation where you will have to accept him the way he is.

I know you said that you don’t know what to do but you do, don’t you Miss A. You say it in that same sentence…… “communication is very important to me”…. you even used “very”. This pretty much tells me that this is not something you are willing to look the other way about – and that is why you haven’t taken any steps to start the relationship, isn’t it? Why should you look away anyway? I am happy that you know what it is that you seek from someone you want to be in a relationship with. And you should remain true to yourself Miss A.

All the best,
Ciiku